Fornication

Before the dawn I couldn't sleep. I tried to pray and said some words, but I felt compelled to write down instead: “When I was 27 I had a friend I liked and certain day we were more than that after having and intimate intercourse. I knew where the chat were leading and I want to leave this record to warn me.

Sometimes I gave no pleasure. That was a selfish act done for release and I wasn't paying attention to the fact women like to be pleased. They like hugs, tenderness, same way as flowers and other presents, but I was used to please me first.

I acknowledged my selfishness, but I know there were add-ons I did not count on those days: We dislike girls or women have another to do this.

She told me she had another she often laid. For my it was disgusting to know her truth and I behaved like a dog: I did my thing and left.”

I would have tried to love her: She wasn't ugly; but the ugly thing was doing what real lovers are morally allowed to do.

That kind of honesty spoiled everything, within me. She could have lied (or said nothing) like many fornicators often do (I did that too) but that would be worst, and STDs are easily transmitted that way.

Fornicators have fantasies like anyone, but I'm not like those who have more than one partner. She was nice, but I had no means to say: “Just stay with me”, because I had another each time she went (in fact I called her when the one I “loved” wasn't coming to me).

I didn't know what her ideas were. She was about to break with the one she told me, but I knew she was emotionally engaged with him: Later she knew he had another... Wow! I hate the idea she had another, but I had another at convenience, when she was away or far from me. Does this happen to all fornicators? (Don't tell me! I have checked).

A sane or safe relationship should be for two people. The more we engaged the less the cake...

I felt discouraged because he was working. He wasn't her actual provider, but he could supply what I didn't have. It would never be love because I told her I had another who missed me sometimes and, when having a chance, I called her for physical release. This is the way I used to be!

No need to tell she had a modeled body. The two things I disliked were she has another and something in her face. What were all those disgusting things she never told?

Perhaps that selfishness, a self-centered concern in doing my thing as soon as I could (without thinking about her).

I disliked the idea of competing or kissing where other kissed (just to mention two concerns). It was upsetting and a hindrance that cannot build healthy relationships (and it lasted nothing).

That's the mundane way I used to “live”. I enjoyed nothing but minutes, and marriage is intended for much more, hopefully if concerted with someone who hates playing the adulterer.

Some find easy to cheat or like multiple dating. Out of Christianity we have no rules on this and sometimes we like to bypass that commitment.

Secularized world speaks of freedom and more, but not being loyal may hurt you and those who liked your company. I'm not sure that can be removed from earth, but I have two years emotionally yearning to be utterly dismissed.

Sometimes comes a molesting remorse: What would happen if I haven't failed that much? Did I find the one I dreamed of?

Sins pays its wages (Rom 6:23). Fornications take its time to healing. Now some good friends are lost sight of and probably I wouldn't have a 2nd chance to say goodbye. Fate and luck do not exist, and some good things were not bound to end that way. Some times I built with one hand, but destroyed them with my feed.

Between all people left behind, there was one I liked more than no one else (that was the one I had before this one I mentioned here). She was a teenager and I felt my life lost without her. She was a dream that lasted only a year and today, while I was typing this blog, I decided to call her, just to hear her voice: She wasn't home.

I said “Hello” to memories kept in secret, but I actually heard her daughter's voice on the phone.

Will you believe her voice is too similar, even when this young daughter laughs?

Sometimes I wish I could be taken.

I praised God for His goodness...

But now I have my eyelids sighing, breathing those passed days of youth.

I depend on you, Almighty God.

A.T.