Fornication

Before the dawn I couldn't sleep. I tried to pray and said some words, but I felt compelled to write down instead: “When I was 27 I had a friend I liked and certain day we were more than that after having and intimate intercourse. I knew where the chat were leading and I want to leave this record to warn me.

Sometimes I gave no pleasure. That was a selfish act done for release and I wasn't paying attention to the fact women like to be pleased. They like hugs, tenderness, same way as flowers and other presents, but I was used to please me first.

I acknowledged my selfishness, but I know there were add-ons I did not count on those days: We dislike girls or women have another to do this.

She told me she had another she often laid. For my it was disgusting to know her truth and I behaved like a dog: I did my thing and left.”

I would have tried to love her: She wasn't ugly; but the ugly thing was doing what real lovers are morally allowed to do.

That kind of honesty spoiled everything, within me. She could have lied (or said nothing) like many fornicators often do (I did that too) but that would be worst, and STDs are easily transmitted that way.

Fornicators have fantasies like anyone, but I'm not like those who have more than one partner. She was nice, but I had no means to say: “Just stay with me”, because I had another each time she went (in fact I called her when the one I “loved” wasn't coming to me).

I didn't know what her ideas were. She was about to break with the one she told me, but I knew she was emotionally engaged with him: Later she knew he had another... Wow! I hate the idea she had another, but I had another at convenience, when she was away or far from me. Does this happen to all fornicators? (Don't tell me! I have checked).

A sane or safe relationship should be for two people. The more we engaged the less the cake...

I felt discouraged because he was working. He wasn't her actual provider, but he could supply what I didn't have. It would never be love because I told her I had another who missed me sometimes and, when having a chance, I called her for physical release. This is the way I used to be!

No need to tell she had a modeled body. The two things I disliked were she has another and something in her face. What were all those disgusting things she never told?

Perhaps that selfishness, a self-centered concern in doing my thing as soon as I could (without thinking about her).

I disliked the idea of competing or kissing where other kissed (just to mention two concerns). It was upsetting and a hindrance that cannot build healthy relationships (and it lasted nothing).

That's the mundane way I used to “live”. I enjoyed nothing but minutes, and marriage is intended for much more, hopefully if concerted with someone who hates playing the adulterer.

Some find easy to cheat or like multiple dating. Out of Christianity we have no rules on this and sometimes we like to bypass that commitment.

Secularized world speaks of freedom and more, but not being loyal may hurt you and those who liked your company. I'm not sure that can be removed from earth, but I have two years emotionally yearning to be utterly dismissed.

Sometimes comes a molesting remorse: What would happen if I haven't failed that much? Did I find the one I dreamed of?

Sins pays its wages (Rom 6:23). Fornications take its time to healing. Now some good friends are lost sight of and probably I wouldn't have a 2nd chance to say goodbye. Fate and luck do not exist, and some good things were not bound to end that way. Some times I built with one hand, but destroyed them with my feed.

Between all people left behind, there was one I liked more than no one else (that was the one I had before this one I mentioned here). She was a teenager and I felt my life lost without her. She was a dream that lasted only a year and today, while I was typing this blog, I decided to call her, just to hear her voice: She wasn't home.

I said “Hello” to memories kept in secret, but I actually heard her daughter's voice on the phone.

Will you believe her voice is too similar, even when this young daughter laughs?

Sometimes I wish I could be taken.

I praised God for His goodness...

But now I have my eyelids sighing, breathing those passed days of youth.

I depend on you, Almighty God.

A.T.

New ID or Name (Draft)

I'm not told way I should be named Peter or Paul, having been born on June 29. I know some days have names to be chosen if a child is born certain days: Joseph if I born on May 1st or  Vincent if it were on Jan 22th.

More than tradition, beneath this, there is a psychological reason. Jesus named Simon Peter and John and his brother received a nickname. Why? Was it a familiar caprice?

Sure Paul changed his name from Saul. Why? Just to walk free within goyim people? If I change my name from Antonio to Tony (or Anthony) will a be believed, heard, sought or loved?

I can do that legally, paying a high price, even in my own country. Will I be the same? Do I have something to change, from the inside out?

Saul Paul wrote, several times, spuring people: “You are a new creature...” and Jesus asked Nicodemus to be born anew (John 3:3, 5). Can I say baptism as the water my mother had within her by those days she was pregnant?

The spirit of a new ID is not in my new name, but in my new way to living. I have seen some Jewish people like to change their names (after conversion or circumcision) and this is a part of their religious tradition. The law asked fathers 1) to circumcise their males, 2) to present children after the 40 days of cleaning, and 3) to redeem the 1st born, after a month (correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not Jew, but I like them).

Part of the law dealt with the economy of the temple's people. Priests depend and depended on silver or gold to live, buying the stuff we buy for a living; so I see the law ruled that too. Society, as well, was engaged with the religious belief of Israel, so a new born needed a name to be introduced into Jewish society, same way we need a name to get an ID card or a green card.

God said new born were His. Parents were to redeem their 1st born paying “money”, same way I should pay to be circumcised, because my father is dead and my grandfather never appeared on my 8th day (he was from Spain).

Today, messianic people like to change their names. These are parts of their religious  background, but there is much more than changing their names, but learning a new language, imitating an old fashioned culture, for the sake of God (that's not bad!).

I don't need a talit and I don't plan to wear a tefilin. Allow me to confess I will be willing to circumcise, with my own hands, to fulfill some mitsvots like Moshén... but I'm not my Dad and my mother tongue is very far from Jewish culture.

In the process of a new being or being born, we learn any culture and, by changing the way way thought, we change the way we feel and think (this is important).

Just imagine immersing in a new culture, knowing nothing about their language, their many signs and meanings. Won't you feel like being born?

Read some of these: DARJEY NOAM or sidur bircat shelomo and get lost... He! He! I do.

A new ID means learning but, being born is more than what I need. Do we need to speak one language? Is God seeking us to find it? Is His truth concealed in that culture?

The OT tells us He will be exposed. Jesus told He seeks true worshipers (John 4:23; 12:28). Does this truth come from the Scripture or from living it out, everyday, by personal experience?

The OT teaches He (God) would teach us. Jesus said God would bring us to Him, and Jesus Himself told those who did not believed Moses would not believe in His words (John 5:46). So we infer here the importance of the OT united to the NT.

Do I need to get rid of the NT?  What would be then, my new name and ID?

I will not read written prayers as repeating. I would read THINKING, feeling and changing. I will change when praying, analyzing my deeds, canalizing my faults, each time I repent to be new, to correct all those things I can mend. 

Call me “Joseph”, give me any name; but I new to be born, a total change, to please Him who gave me life, to socially live.

Judeazing is the same as Christianizing. I don't need Latin or Greek to understand, but the core language of my heart. I wish I knew exactly what God inspired and had written, and His messages are not for one source, language or culture solely. Let's say Satan is not mute but God gave everyone a tongue and, more than that, probably I need an angelic tongue to achieve more than I'm actually achieving when praying: Just to reach Heavens and avoid Satan's hindrances but, is God handicapped? Has He lost any power?

It is me who needs to reach Him who loves me more than I am. It is I who longs to understand, and religion could bring me its berit milá (circumcision) and more traditions, but God is not praying Hide and Seek. Is He?

Moshén was with God 40 days... Jesus appeared with him and Elijah. Whose voice was that Peter, John and James heard? Wasn't it God's?  “Listen to Him”, He said.

I guess His voice could be heard. Scripture exists, but the source is His, not human traditions.

Today we are paganized. Their world influences our more than our changes them. Am I correct? Just count and see numbers, and I acknowledged my flirting, just to grab what I think I miss or need from them: Money or a woman to live with.

I new name won't give me this, but a complete change. Only God can bring me to where I belong, since I know I don't like the world where I lived and certainly I dislike most of its ways: I confessed my frustration to change or relocate, along with the disappointment to get it fast.

Immersing into a new culture helps you to be transcultural. Perhaps it will change some of your customs but, unless you really notice you are dreaming (or daydreaming) with that new language and their stuff, the new mind has not yet come.

Notice how Peter saw a scrolled-down message from God on Acts...

Do we have enough of Him for today, each day?

A new ID, a new name is like being abroad, where no one knows about you and they don't need a stone to criticize you.

Your human register is clean, holy, same way some need to know they now are: No guilt, no fault to be reminded. We are forgiven! (not to sin anymore).