Puzzled

I´m confused about what future life would be, in eternity. Jesus said we´re not going to marry, we´re going to be like angels (Mark 12:25), so I have no idea what I would do there, except than traveling, discovering and worshiping the Almighty One.

Who knows if my detaching process has anything to do with it, though I´m not as detached as I think or say I am. I do like many earthly things I´m trying to wave goodbye, to renounce by denouncing each of those I said.

Probably I have more than one cable wrongly wired.

What kind of live would that be, in heavens?

What kind of love will that be, when I know how to express or feel it? What´s the difference if it´s felt with the mind (or its spirit) and those sensations lacked a body to convey them in?

I´m puzzled!

Last night I shared the sad experience I have when my mom attacked my dad with a knife, when I was little child, although I never saw his abuses and, however, on December 2013 my mom told me he was also an abuser and she told me the story where he tried to rape her (he probably did it) and she bit his tongue to escape (so she was acting in self defense) any time, she wanted to get rid of his abuse, his cheating and, as she said (and I don´t know my dad´s version) he also lived at her detriment, for some time, when she sent money for her two children and he used it to gratify himself, not taking care of their two children (I thing I don´t totally believed it, because I have written evidence he cared for us) (and by reading his letters with my grandmother´s, he also said he gave her some money to take care of a new baby she got from another man she encountered). Dudes! However, at her age, there´s no need to lie, and he could have lied to my siblings.

Any of them cheated on or hurt the other! Both were guilty -and responsible- for their wrong doings.

What would that be in the realm of eternity? No tricks, no pains and no hurtful memories.

People here tried the best possible answers to cope with, to understand each people we have liked (or wanted) but, what eternity could be without those drives, love bonds and the things we knew we cling to?

I´m puzzled!

Those eyes we liked, those smiles we felt. Those arms we´ve missed, those hugs we gave and received... Where are they going to be? Warm kisses, sweet words and those promises and desires… All of them gone?

I need to die to be born, anew.

Today, this very morning I knew another thing about me: Why am I drawn to women in troubles? Those I see without worries are out my concern or attention. Those I see married I left alone and, those who shared their needs with mine, those likes acknowledged -with similar interests- were sought and I wasn´t aware of, as unintended these were. How could I know who I am in the future?

Those I saw big for me, full featured, I ignored.

Those I saw too showy, too sexy or eager to be seen, I passed by.

Who am I to be in a new “world” order, if allowed to live a second life?

No doubt jewelry was used to draw people´s eyes and attention. Sometimes clothing was used for the same reason, though it was used to hide what they wanted to hide or protect, sometimes. Fashion served to make people looked different, somewhat desirable, different for themselves, somewhat interesting and seldom naive.

The more any person had, the more she / he showed.

What an angel could do to be seen or liked? Known or desired? (Rev. 19:10, 22:9)

You could be the person you are (or aren´t) on demand. You could guess how you are by hearing people´s opinions, because we´re not good enough at looking at those mirrors we heard or saw, we only see what we want to see and, of course, outsiders are less subjective than we do (sometimes).

As an example, recently I found a school report when I was a child and one of my teachers wrote: He likes to work alone... True! When I was asked to work in teams I didn´t know who to choose and that same handicapped disadvantage was for everyone else and, when picking someone out of groups, we all liked those who were known as good students, with good grades. Have you experienced the same?

We chose the “best”, those we thought were suitable, trustworthy, and the same standard was used to pick the persons we wanted to love, to share part of our life.

Being honest, we were not the best student in school groups. Sometimes we were lazy, we´d liked our comfort zone, and some were doing more than us (of course, sometimes we were better workers) but the next question is: Why we failed when choosing mates to love?

I never planed a family. I never wanted children and, as far as I can remember, I wasn´t interested in rearing any, until the moment Joshua came into my life, with my ex-wife... I was so body-centered, as hedonist as I was.

I´m puzzled.

What earthly life was meant for? I never knew who was the best mate for me and, of course, I didn´t know how to discourage those who saw something good in me (Yes! Sometimes we had things others liked or desired).

As a project, some people came in to help us grow and, while backsliding, we helped others to develop new abilities, their character, etc. What eternity would be if I tend to be alone? Just around the company of those few I liked or enjoyed.

Perhaps it is useless I´ve planned to write about the profile of those peoples I have liked -or shared with.

I wasn´t the type around those ones who liked to lead, because I disliked to be led. I wasn´t friend with those I felt they tried to use me, though I gave several of them the chance to take as much as they could... I think it´d be nice to make that profile chart to know me better, to know some of those I haven´t considered while I was associated with them. Perhaps that was the reason why I couldn´t stay too long in the Scouts or several churches: When I felt I was led, I fled! And run.

I must admit I sometimes wanted to belong. I desired to be part of something bigger than me and, as far as I can remember, being a scout was one of those dreams. I couln´t do it while I was a child but, when being a teen, I only volunteered into two groups and, the one I enjoyed more it was far from my house and its leader was one of my close friends and, his leadership was “democratic”, shared by other´s opinions too but, when I moved to the one I had near home, there was a hierarchical line I didn´t wanted, I was often criticized, although I was nominatively friend of the family ruling that business... Was it the reason I, with several others, decided to make our own group as rovers, to scout?

Several parents disagreed. Some of them regretted that division and, each of us had a personal reason: We wanted to scout and they often wanted us to be in their pen doing nothing but lines and knots, solely what they wanted (Yes! And at each meeting they wanted the money they asked, thinking they deserve it).

Nino and Ramphis Molina, Alberto Gómez, me and several others names (I forgot) agreed on a new scouting group. We designed the uniform for “Konied” and it wasn´t theirs... It was ours! (Prov. 15:22)

While I was with them, they often said: “Your´re not allowed using that uniform outside our meetings.” I often said: “Why? I bought it with my own money... Who are you to tell me what to do?”. So I wore it as long as I could...

I enjoyed those days. I was part of something, I belonged to what I belonged and each person there was free to say and do, and we were friends, although I forgot their names -and probably not all their faces- but those moments we enjoyed and the things we did remained.

What life would be in eternity?

Do we have to be the same?

Do we have to look like they want us to be?

What´s that about being an individual?

Some church people say: “If you are not like us, your´re not going to be saved”. Some even dared to cry out loud -publicly- giving God orders, as if they knew -better- the things asked to God (so that is where I´m going to flee, hide and run).

“If you do not think like us, your´re not saved”, they said. And I know these ones are quite wrong: There´s no freedom of choice, just a few looked to be self-willed. And I want my free will, because it was given to give it up to the One who loved me more than no one else: God!

But, as long as I think of those things I´m thoughtful “reasoning”, while I try to write about those things typified as “profiles”, pondering those voices I have heard, those faces I´ve looked at -and why- I cannot grasp what life would be in eternity.

How would I know I am me or those I would meet, just in case I´d be allowed to live a second time?

Who knows! I´m puzzled. Although I´m not another cliché...

 A.T.

El evangelio del desapego.

Ciertamente, como “evangélico” no nací con la corriente impuesta por el estilo evangelístico de Yiye Ávila ni -varios años más tarde- por la doctrina de la prosperidad promovida por Raúl Ávila (otro de los supuestos apóstoles de hoy).  No negaré el esfuerzo evangelístico del grupo pentecostal pero, tampoco exaltaré sus logros, ni diré que está por encima o debajo de otras denominaciones “protestantes” pues, la verdad, ya no protestan y se han dejado envolver por una cantidad de añadiduras que no proceden de la fuente original de la cristiandad: La Biblia.

Hace años,  de forma empírica, presumía que algo estaba mal y lo estaba y lo está. Si Cristo dijo (con otras palabras) “Ha que Desapegarse” ¿Por qué voy a hacer lo contrario? ¿Por qué haré como el perro a su vómito y oleré mi kk?

Para el solaz de mi alma, ni siento el peso de convencer a nadie de lo que yo crea o haga. Para libertad de conciencia, cada quien hace lo que mejor le convenga y, a fin de cuentas, Dios es el que juzga y no sólo para la posteridad, sino día a día y en el presente (No tienes que morirte para que Él mismo te juzgue o discipline: Lo hace a diario).

Anoche me deslindé de algunas personas que no tienen contenido y, aunque regularmente hago eso, me deslindo de cualquier grupo (o persona) que se sienta con derechos a que les renda cuentas y, si no me entienden, no es mi problema (de hecho, esta aclaratoria ya les rinde cuenta, porque “les” explico y no entienden). :P

El Señor Jesucristo, hace mucho, habló del desapego. ¿Desapego a las personas o a las cosas? En ese particular, la carta de Mónica (“Algo Nuevo”) es aleccionadora y,cuando me la escribió, no la entendí y, ciertamente, tuve que hacerle algunos arreglos para entenderla (cosa que me pidió “no leer con los sentidos”, sino con el corazón).

Jesús, el Maestro -nada místico, por cierto- fue enfático al darnos la importancia que solemos ignorar o no queremos reconocer en relación a lo que Dios ha determinado paracuidado nuestro: Si alimenta a los animales, también se ocupa de nosotros.

Mat_6:26  Fíjense en las aves del cielo: no siembran ni cosechan ni almacenan en graneros; sin embargo, el Padre celestial las alimenta. ¿No valen ustedes mucho más que ellas?

Mat_10:31  Así que no tengan miedo; ustedes valen más que muchos gorriones.

Luk_12:7  Así mismo sucede con ustedes: aun los cabellos de su cabeza están contados. No tengan miedo; ustedes valen más que muchos gorriones.

Luk_12:24  Fíjense en los cuervos: no siembran ni cosechan, ni tienen almacén ni granero; sin embargo, Dios los alimenta. ¡Cuánto más valen ustedes que las aves!

Sin embargo, Cristo no nos anima a ensombrecernos (que es poca o baja estima) ni a pavonearnos de soberbia (que es presumir que somos mejores que otros). Sólo nos dice: “Confíen en Dios” Cosa que descuidamos hacer, excepto presumir de vanidad.

Hace poco, influido por lo que veo desde hace tiempo, puse más atención a lo que leo en los evangelios. Así como siento disgusto cuando escucho a alguien llamar a un sacerdote “Padre”, también siento disgusto cuando otro se hace llamar “Apóstol”, con el deseo de ser venerado, honrado o exaltado (con ciertas formas de servilismo, no necesariamente idolátrico).

Anoche, conversando con un par de mis amigos, me auto examiné en una serie de cosas y, si al haber vamos, no me afecta nada que otro lo llamen “Padre” o “Apóstol” a cualquier carajo: Lo que sí me afecta es que pretendan que yo haga lo mismo y, en ese mismo sentido, me encantaría vivir la vida que dignamente mantuvo Mardoqueo (Ester 3:2, 5). ¿Por qué inclinarme ante otro hombre?

Pienso que, en el fondo, Jesús admiró a hombres como esos y, aunque el mismo pudo aparecer “como sumiso”, jamás se inclino a la soberbia ni a la presunción de nadie y, ejemplos tenemos cuando fue tentado por Satanás, quien le ofreció todo lo que pudo (Lucas 4:5-7) y tampoco se dejó llevar de “la gloria” que tenía aquel que presumía de poder librarlo de la muerte (Juan 19:10).

Es muy importante que se diga que, el Señor Jesús, no sólo rechazaba las lisonjas (Mat. 19:17), sino que tampoco se intimidaba (¿Te niegas a hablarme? —le dijo Pilato—. ¿No te das cuenta de que tengo poder para ponerte en libertad o para mandar que te crucifiquen? ) y, desde luego, ¡Vaya ejemplo a imitar! (Mat_10:28  No teman a los que matan el cuerpo pero no pueden matar el alma.^[b] Teman más bien al que puede destruir alma y cuerpo en el infierno.)

¿Dónde empieza mi desapego?

Retrospectivamente, el asunto viene de lejos; pero ya cité -arriba- un pequeño precedente. Mónica atisbó algo que yo estimo más que a la gente y, la verdad, no pienso cambiar mucho, al respecto. Sin embargo, daré importancia a lo que deba darle importancia: Las cosas no devuelven el amor, como lo haría una mascota o una persona.

El desapego es válido a lo que tiene valor y a lo que no debe dárselo.

Una de las cosas que más tendemos a sobre valorar es nuestra persona. Está bien que la cuidemos, que la afinemos, vistamos y, de mi parte, que no la presumamos con la vanidad secular de estos días ¿A qué me refiero? No voy a predicarles en favor de la cirugía plástica, no voy a decirles que se conviertan al metro-sexualismo ni a toda esas pendejadas de la moda, sino que se cuiden de esos excesos de los que presumimos y, a continuación, les pondré el link de una canción del grupo Simple Plan, que les canta estas verdades, desde su propio punto de vista “Crazy”.  (Control + Click)

La “Iglesia”, influenciada por esa misma corriente secularista, ha ignordo largamente ese divorcio social y, aunque no soy el mas desapegado del mundo, Dios sabe que he luchado, interiormente, mis peleas internas y, por ningún concepto, voy a caer de donde me estoy tratando de levantar: Del Narcisismo y del culto al Ego.

No puedo (o no quiero) hacerles el trabajo. Si el tema, les interesa, ustedes mismos pueden investigar y descubrir SUS cosas, de mi parte, sólo dejo un link que publiqué reciente y, la verdad, he de traducirlas un poco.

La clínica Mayo, tal como lo indicó Mrs Redtent, publicó algunos “tips” para ayudar a identificar el narcisismo (post #8). esos puntos publicados son:

• Creer que uno es mejor que otros
• Fantasear en cosas relativas a poder, éxito o atractivos físicos.
• Exagerar logros y talentos.
• Esperar constante alabanza o admiración.
• Creer que se es “muy especial” y, actuar de acuerdo a eso.
• Fallar en reconocer las emociones ajenas y sus sentimientos.
• Esperar que otros vayan tras tus ideas o planes.
• Tomar ventaja de otros.
• Expresar desdén por aquellos que uno sienta como inferiores
• Sentir celos de otros.
• Creer que otros sientan celos de ti, o que te envidien.
• Experimentar problemas constantes en las relaciones que deberían ser sanas.
• Proponerse metas irreales.
• Sentirse ofendido de manera muy rápida o experimentar rechazos, de la nada.
• Simular ser impávido, inflexible, sin emociones.

De mi parte, en español, creo haber encontrado un artículo que define el narcisismo muy bien, de manera digerible (potable) y, quien no se remita a lo que algunos estudiosos han definido como trastorno (trastorno de la personalidad narcisista, o NPD {siglas en inglés}) creo que -alguna vez que otra- en NUESTRAS vidas, hemos experimentado el error (el trastorno) que nuestro comportamiento egocéntrico y aprovechador ha afectado a otras personas... ¿Qué busca una modelo cuando coquetea con su público? ¿Qué busca una vedette cuando se contonea y muestra esos fingidos besos y apapachos? ¿Qué desea un chico apuesto cuando muestra lo que tiene?

El físico no es lo único con lo que podamos coquetear. Podemos hacerlo con nuestra personalidad, con nuestros talentos, nuestro rol familiar o social, nuestra posición en la vida laboral, y con cualquiera de las bendiciones que Dios haya dado a nuestras familias. Cuestionablemente, mujeres y hombres sucumbimos ante dichos encantos o pretenciones... ¿No es todo para que se les admiren, les sigan, para que les reverencien y a su VOLUNTAD se sometan?

El Señor Jesús, en el terreno de la fe, también criticó el narcisismo religioso.

Cuando habló de “los líderes” de la fe, en otras palabras, Jesús criticó la forma egocéntrica en que ejercían un domino personalista sobre quienes les seguían o admiraban.

Tal como cité en cristianchat, traduciré -acá- algunos de esos versículos que el MAESTRO nos dejó y, en particular, los roles de “liderazgo”, de “ejemplarizante”, así que -en este momento- yo puedo ser una de esos narcisistas, uno de esos líderes (pendejos) que pueden estar tratando de atraerte, a creerme a mí, a lo que me convenga, y no a lo que Jesucristo dice:

Mat 23:7 , Mat 23:10. Mat 23:5-7,   Mat 23:12, 28.

1Ti 4:2, 2Ti 3:2, 2Ti 3:4, 2Ti 3:13, Etc.

He aquí, algunos consejos.

Y algo más intenso: http://saludypsicologia.com/3122/perfil-clinico-y-psicodinamico-del-trastorno-narcisista/

Last week

I came to my mother´s and, while traveling inside the subway´s system, I noticed an old cicatrix close to my fit. A flashback appeared, then I remembered why I got that scar...

She called phone me, I don´t remember what her words were but I understood the message. I felt such feeling of anger, I was too upset, I knew I needed a quick relief. 

I heard the sounds but I couldn´t recognize her voice so, as a trigger, I pulled my arm against the window and, hitting it quickly, I broke its glass.

-What´s going on there? -She asked, as childish she was.

I was unwilling to say a word, so she insisted on and also cried something I don´t remember, so I told her to calm down:

-I hit my window and cut my fit. -I told and amazed pondered why.

-What? How come it was? -I said nothing. I was a teenager who felt rejected.

-Speak to me!... Are you there? Hello! Hello!  -almost shouting over that old phone.

-Yes!  I am here! -I quickly said.

-But what are you doing?... Does it hurt? You hurt yourself? -she said it, but there was not a question she needed to know. 

I was unwilling to talk. Everything was so fast that I feel I was perplexed in no place stuck.

-You hit your window and got yourself wounded... Are you crazy? -She asked, again.

-It doesn´t hurt me. It hurts me what you already said, what you did: You broke me inside.

In the subway, I looked at my hand. I´m not sure about the time or the things she thought -or said- while traveling.

-Are you all right?

-I was! Now I´m not. -I said, trying to say goodbye. 

I stared at the blood, at the bleeding being shed. That was new for me. I wanted to experience something like that and, then, I had the chance to try it (with a relieving reason).

-Talk to me! What´s going on with you?

-I will not say it, on demand!

-Why?

-I´m wounded, bleeding from the inside out... I wish I could have said “I´m leaving you”. It´s you who left me, instead.

I don´t remember how I sort it out. I´m not sure if I went to the doctor or if I cured it myself (just remembering one of my neighbors tried to cure me with the stuff I had at a hand).

-How come you cut your hand -my healer said- It was too close to your veins. -But I never knew how relieving it was (that way I only tried once, my whole life).

I don´t know why “the heart” sometimes hurts more than a broken bone. 

I don´t know why things had to be broken, and apparently lay down without any swift remedy.

You might have spent your life hurting others until the time you realize you did it wrong and all those hurts will cash you back its tolls.

Rom 6:23  When people sin, they earn what sin pays--death. But God gives his people a free gift--eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

If I ever tried to say “she did wrong”, I could be reminded well:

Rom 2:1  Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. 

What would be the end? 

Rom 6:17  In the past you were slaves to sin--sin controlled you. But thank God, you fully obeyed what you were taught

Was it a life led by the Spirit I lived?

Largely enough God´s Spirit led His people: It was HE leading them to do what He wants and that He wanted. When Jesus was born, one of those Simeons was led to meet His family and God used him to speak (Luk_2:27). When Jesus grew up, God´s Spirit led Him into the desert (Luk 4:1) and His own SON undergone several tests we wouldn´t like to live.

What did Simeon said: “So the secret thoughts of many will be made known. And the things that happen will be painful for you--like a sword cutting through your heart”

Was it only said for Joseph and Mary?

My whole life was spent in nonsenses. Most of the people I know are facing their troubles and Jesus also acknowledged it that way. 

Mat 11:6  Great blessings belong to those who don't have a problem accepting me." 

What kind of life were we living (or believing)?

Jesus challenged (and warned us) to be responsible, upright and above reproach. That trustworthiness wasn´t found there where we were...

Mat 18:7  I feel sorry for the people in the world because of the things that make people sin. These things must happen, but it will be very bad for anyone who causes them to happen. 

In another version it sounds differently: 

Mat 18:7  "Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!  (ESV) 

Are we lead to be temped to fail?

Am I living a life to hurt or tempt others?

A life led by the Spirit is not like that far from being worthy, because His Spirit is out of reproach.

Here are some hints to BELIEVE He dwells within you (or me).

Mat_10:20  For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

Mat 26:41  Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Joh_3:34  For he whom God has sent utters the words of God, for he gives the Spirit without measure. 

Joh 16:13  But when he—the Spirit of truth—comes, he will guide you into all the truth. For he will not speak from himself, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will proclaim to you the things to come. 

Joh_3:8  The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."

Isn´t this verse be nice to know it works for you?:

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Luk 4:18-19

I don´t know about you but I´ve decided He already said for me:

Joh_6:63  It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.

Honestly surprised.

There are two things that aren´t to be begged: Love and Friendship...

I just allowed myself to relate on those Christlike words a virtual friend said about his living a day after another:

“Most of the people I know are used to make plans, weekly, monthly, yearly... Some have felt uncared or hurt when I showed the things they viewed as detachment or as an unkind attitude toward their likes or human needs. In fact, I have an interesting love letter Monica left at home, before we moved to live to Colombia and, when I left her (or when I felt I was left by her and things there) I found it over the stuff I have pilled on my room desk: She also felt I´m a nut by living one day after another.

I wish I find more people, like me, next door (in Venezuela). You are but one of those I see having "problems" for a simple misunderstanding or for some feelings hurt so, I decided to be less laconic and, by being like that, I also would be misunderstood or seen as unloving (and unattached from the secular lifestyle we may want to live, somehow). The issue would appear when we´re wrongly perceived as fanatically religious, hurting people or discouraging the heartbroken ones.

How many "likes" are received with that?

How many "likes" do we give? (At youth hood things worked differently, I guess). Now I could be perceived emotionally meager or as an unfriendly nut (I know it from the people I have on FB, Mónica and those who think they know me "deeply").

I´m happy that I don´t care too much about a "like" received nor about people´s saying, except it be used to draw my attention and, I´m sure GOD is the ONE who deserves it all, because I will always be perceived another way I´m not, same way it could be thought when I´m not kind enough to say things well: Some are oversensitive. Just like you and me! ;)

Just be as kind and loving as you could be! (If I´m allowed giving you that tip you know best).

Real nuts are faked like sheep, you probably know it better outside CC, because this place has brought refreshment to my life (as well as others).

Thanks for being the one you are!”

A.T.